Thoughts are scrambled:
-It’s been a weird and long life so far. From taking every drug I ever wanted to try, to being in rehab/trauma centers a couple times. Clean and Sober a year and a half. Telling strangers your darkest, most evil things in your head, I’m grateful they have become my friends. ”Not a friend of Bills” nor do I attend meetings, but if I need one I’ll go. Over a year of intense therapy and working through the steps at least once helped with that. Doesn’t mean I’m “cured”. I’ve lost more friends and family to death than I can count. Close people I will never get a chance to tell them just how much they meant and changed me as an adult. Lots of shit has also happened that went to me having a mental breakdown at 23. Sexual/verbal/physical abuse is a lot of my story. Born to a unwed mother only 19. She died in 2001. Not given a name until I was 4 months old. Adopted by white parents in a predominately white area. So naturally I have abandonment and attachment issues which makes things a lot more complicated when meeting women and having healthy relationships. Sexual abuse from my adopted sister,Verbal and Physical from my adopted dad. Things are well with my family now, but for awhile I was very angry at everything and anything. But being a crazy/fun uncle to my sisters kids makes up for it. Not lying anymore compulsively feels really good. Also not waking up hating myself or others is great too. Haven’t had a serious suicidal/homicidal thought in my head for awhile now. Still a fuck up and a rude boy at heart, but now I’m able to function and have fun without so many chemicals fucking up my brain chemistry.
-Going to school to become an EMT/Paramedic gives me something to look forward to. Still get a chance to help people and it’s cheaper than becoming a therapist.
-I don’t see as many people as I used to, but I don’t mind it. Seeing my good friends once in awhile makes me cherish the hang times we do get to have. This weekend I saw some friends down in Amherst and it was a fucking great time. I recently bought a ps vvvvita so i have some shit to occupy my time while I’m not in school or doing homework. And as for personal interest, there still is: Most music (math, beats, alt, ska, thrash, some electronic), Playing music (guitar), gaming, gundams, meditation, books, cats and dogs or any kind of animals, tattoos and art (not a snob and don’t know a lot of people, but it’s nice to look at)
-Deleting tumblr in a week. Thanks for the laughs and the gifs. Helped with boredom and helped me meet some awesome people. Below is my facebook. Add me if you want. Fuck it. If you need someone to talk to or confide in that has been threw shit that would tear your heart out. I’ll tell you my whole story and you don’t have to say a word.
To quote streetlight manifesto (fucking one of the greats) :
"Trust me I’ve been there before
I would not wish it upon my greatest enemy
Once friends, but I find
You’ll have to learn this lesson on your own
So I waited by the phone but that phone never rang
and I sang so loud so I wouldn’t hear the bang
When the bang never came and I never got the call
Fuck It! Thank You! I Love You All!
Some are going to say that we’re doomed to repeat
all our past mistakes
But that’s not me
and even if it was I would always disagree
Because in the end I always get the better of me”